Hey There! 

So yes… my vagina is trying to kill me. 

This is my story, my journey and the wild ride that I am on. I am 39 years old, have been struggling with HPV for years and the oh so fun that comes with it. I have always been quiet, didn’t want anyone to know as I felt like people would look at me differently, think less of me or just think I was gross. I share my story in hopes to be an encouragement to women. Whether you have HPV, Cancer or another illness, you are still beautifully made. We shouldn’t let an illness define us in a negative way. It’s ok to talk about it. As you read my blog, please know that I write this out of love and come from a place where as women we would lift each other up instead of tearing each other down. My prayer for women, is if you feel led, you would be brave, share your story and be part of the support system all of us women could really use. Well, here it goes, here is my story… 

Let me bring you to the beginning of this roller coaster. In my late 20’s after one of my routine pap smear visits also known as what I like to call… my violation date, I tested positive for HPV for the first time. Honestly, I didn’t think much of it, they said it was low level, nothing to worry about and to just re-pap in a year. My doctor at the time recommended the Gardasil shot. I thought it was kinda odd because everything I heard about the Guardasil shot was to prevent you from getting HPV. I was just diagnosed with HPV, so why do I need the shot? The doctor said it was worth a try to see if it would help me. I figured, well, I already have HPV so why not? I completed the series of shots and it didn’t do anything for me. I have heard horror stories of women who have almost died from Gardasil. I am so very thankful I didn’t have a bad reaction and my hearts go out to the women who had to endure its side effects. Each year, I continued to test positive for HPV and was hoping eventually my body would fight it and go away. Finally, there were a couple years where I actually tested negative for HPV and I was like, Yes!!! Thank you! Finally it’s gone, no need to worry about it anymore. Wrong! Boy was I so wrong! It came back! Not only did it come back, this time after being violated (the pap smear), I had to keep getting plucked by what is also known as having a colposcopy along with biopsies. I would cry, feeling like such a wuss, but every year after that I would always hope and pray, Lord please let this be the year I don’t have to get plucked, let the HPV go away. Nope, that was not going to be my story. Instead, I am the girl that lives in fear of being plucked and may get cancer. I was fortunate for many years as each colposcopy was a low level risk. Fast forward, I am now 39 and have been plucked every year since then. This is the year my fears started to become my reality. 

Year 2022, the day before my husband’s birthday, I got “the call” from my doctor’s office. The doctor was trying to find the right words to tell me I have abnormal cells. The reason they hadn’t called me with my final results sooner was because my colposcopy results didn’t make sense or line up with my pap results, so they sent it to a specialist for final review. My doctor started asking me if I had a desire to have children. She then recommended a vaginal hysterectomy. My mind is racing, tears are forming and all I could think about is cancer and more pain to come my way. They had me come into the office that same afternoon to have me do an ultrasound of my uterus and that general area. They also wanted to take a biopsy of my uterus but after reviewing my ultrasound it wasn’t needed. The doctor came into the room once again with a loss for words. She reiterated my cells were abnormal and would recommend a hysterectomy to ensure they get it all. However, they didn’t know how much surgery was needed until the final results came back from the specialist. They don’t know how invasive it is. Didn’t know if I would need chemo, radion or if surgery would get it all. I wouldn’t know anything more until maybe the following Friday. She did a quick peek at my cervix and let me know she was hopeful for me. I didn’t like how I was left feeling like I had cancer without having final results. Tears were just running down my face as I’m trying to control my emotions. After the doctor left the room I started balling. My poor husband tried to console me again as he had to console me earlier that afternoon after I had received “the call.” He held me in his arms as I gripped tight hugging him as I cried into his chest. Now later in the afternoon sitting in the room at the doctor’s office being told I had to do something as doing nothing wasn’t an option. I just continued to cry. I lost it in the room with my husband and told him; “This is all my fault, if I was a good girl, didn’t have sex before marriage I wouldn’t be in this situation. These were consequences of my own sins for my bad decisions.” My husband told me not to condemn myself as that sounded like the enemy talking. I couldn’t help but feel gross, helpless and my mind was racing telling me I’m going to die, either from cancer or something will go wrong during surgery. I’ve never had any major surgeries, been put under once years ago from having my wisdom teeth pulled. I was terrified, this was a lot to process. After my appointment I continued to cry, making myself emotionally sick. As I’m going through all of my own emotions of what is to come, I didn’t realize what effect the news had on my husband. He told me it was almost a year ago, around this time when he lost his mom to breast cancer. He didn’t want to lose me too. His mom had felt a lump in her breast years ago, ignored it and by the time she decided to go to the doctor, it was too late. She died around six months later from the date she received the news she had cancer. I didn’t want death to be my outcome. I get checked every year so if I did have cancer, hopefully they would have caught it in time. I started to pray, PLEASE Lord, don’t take me yet, I want to spend more time with my husband, grow old with him, I’m only 39.

Later that evening, I texted my friend letting her know the outcome of my doctor’s visit.  Once I calmed down, I started to remember the story of a young woman on Instagram who was dying from a variety of health issues. It was encouraging to me. She was literally waiting to die, but always was writing about how great God is, how she gets to die in a comfy bed and had a different outlook on life. She was a little sassy too! I don’t know her but I felt for her. I really liked her outlook. Instead of saying why me? We should be saying why not me or asking God, what? What is it you want me to do in or with this situation? I woke up the next morning feeling like I needed to journal my journey. That morning my friend sent me a message asking how I was doing. She is so sweet. I replied to her with this… “I keep telling myself all things are possible with God, I woke up feeling like I need to start journaling through this so if there are others out there going through something like this, maybe I can be of encouragement to others. Instead of saying why me, I’m trying to focus on what God would have me do with this.“ She had responded, ” That’s a great outlook, I think you should. It will help you get out what you are feeling.” A couple days later while I was working late one night, I received an Amazon package from her. She sent me a journal, it was so unexpected! The cover of this journal she picked for me says with God all things are possible Matthew 19 verse 26. Each day has a verse for me to read at the bottom of each page. I was overcome with Joy! This meant the world to me as she has also been praying for me. 

Finally, I received my final results. The good news, I don’t have cancer. However it is CIN3 severe level high risk. I’ve decided to take the doctor’s recommendation and have a vaginal hysterectomy. I will keep my ovaries as long as my doctor doesn’t find anything wrong during surgery. You would think I would be overcome by joy. I wanted to celebrate but that wasn’t my reaction to my final lab results. I am in disbelief, like it’s too good to be true. Based on how the doctor spoke to me, I was convinced I had cancer, feeling unsettled and thinking what if they’re wrong. On the phone, they said I don’t have cancer, it seems to be only in my cervix. She also said my uterus appeared to be OK but there’s always a chance they could have missed something. That’s why the vaginal hysterectomy was my final choice. I wanted to be sure they get rid of all the abnormal cells. After I got the news I texted my friends and some of them opened up and shared some of their own medical issues they went through. It definitely helped with all my mixed emotions. I was feeling stupid for believing the final results was going to be cancer. I mean everything the doctors told me pointed to cancer. It’s like I had already kinda accepted it. As my emotions are starting to calm down and I can start to think again, it just reassured me I wanted to be there for women going through their own journey. 

There are so many women going through the unknown. I was reading an article of a woman who has HPV, felt gross for having HPV, was going through additional testing and didn’t feel comfortable telling her family or friends. But as she started to share what she was going through, she realized HPV is fairly common. People didn’t think she was gross, she had nothing to be ashamed of. As I was reading this article, it reminded me of myself. I felt this way for years. It wasn’t until recently I felt like I had to start sharing, asking for prayer and hope more women would be comfortable sharing too. I truly believe I’m going through this for a reason. I just need God to show me how to use my story. 

It was one week ago today my husband went with me to my pre-op appointment. Here we are again, back at the doctors office. Out of all the rooms they could put me in, they put me right back in the same room I had my melt down in. This time was much different than the last. I felt very calm and at peace. As the doctor went over my pre-op paperwork, I noticed she wrote “early cancer” on my paperwork. There was that “C” word again but I was ok, no freak out moment this time. My doctor turned to me and said, “I haven’t lost anyone yet, you’re not allowed to be my first.” It actually made me feel a little better. 

So much has happened leading up to my surgery day. From my fur baby having an unexpected medical emergency, to dealing with insurance, wrapping up work, visiting my 95 year old grandmother with my family not knowing if it would be the last time. It was way too much to handle within a short period of time. Felt like my world was crashing down on me. Putting all that aside, the moment has come for me to start getting ready for surgery.

It’s now the morning of my surgery day, time to remove some of the lady parts! I woke up at 4:30 AM to follow the very precise instructions by my doctor. I had to shower, also showered the night before and slept in clean sheets without my kitty. They said no pets in bed the night before surgery. At 5:00am I had to start drinking gatorade, this was on top of the 64oz of water I had to drink the day before. Also took Tylenol. At 6:30am we were on the road to the hospital and had to pop three prescribed pills in the car with only sips of water. I gotta be honest, I was worried I would be so full of liquids that I wouldn’t make it to the surgery center without having to stop and pee somewhere. I even debated whether I should have worn an adult diaper, haha. Thankfully it didn’t come to that! I didn’t have the urgent need to pee and I wasn’t hungry. So grateful! I checked in at the surgery center, was given a nice room with a heated blanket and even had a tube attached to my gown blowing warm air on me. I’m always cold so this was great. All the nurses were so nice and helpful. My doctor came in shortly after to talk with me before my surgery. They gave me the pill that makes you feel like you’re fading away. Moments later they wheeled me to the operating room. I remember seeing lots of people in the room, a nurse helping me get onto the operating table, then someone saying to me, “I’m going to put an oxygen mask on you.” Then I was out! I woke up in my recovery room to someone asking me what my pain level was. I quickly replied, 10! Definitely it was a 10, so they gave me meds to help it. My hubby was in the room with me, I was asleep but could hear people talking. That’s when I heard the nurse ask my husband what I had been doing. He said, “she’s been sleeping.” Then I heard the nurse talk to me to try and get me up to start walking. It was hard coming out of my sleep. The nurse had me walk to the bathroom. They won’t release you until you pee. My husband tried to come with me and she sent him back to my room. I felt bad for him. I sat on the toilet with the nurse in there to help me. I couldn’t pee. Felt like my pee hole was sewn shut! Walked back to my room to sleep some more. I was still very, very out of it. The good news, heard I was able to keep my ovaries, my doctor didn’t see anything wrong with them during surgery. This means I don’t have to worry about going into early menopause. Yay, no periods and no early menopause! After a little more sleep the nurse walked me back to the bathroom to help me pee. She placed a cold compress on my forehead to help comfort me. She was so kind. I’m normally not one that wants an audience when I pee but in that moment, I didn’t care who saw me on the toilet, I just wanted to pee. Finally, success! I peed! The nurse helped me back to my room and started to prepare for me to go home. The nurse gave me an essential oil sticker to put on my shirt, it smelled wonderful. Peppermint and orange, a great combo to sniff! The nurse wheeled me to the car. The drive home was a little bumpy. We were on smooth roads however, I can tell you, when you’re in pain, you feel every single little bump in the road, ones you normally never feel. 

Now the healing process begins. Attempting to pee was awful. You sit on the toilet feeling like you have the worst UTI ever, burned and it was super hard for the urine to come out. At least that was my experience. I was in discomfort from having the catheter in earlier but I was so thankful they put the catheter in and took it out while I was under anesthesia. Day 2, the internal gas pain was incredibly terrible! This pain was way worse than my surgical pain. The amount of trapped gas I had was excruciating! I couldn’t poop or pass gas, now my butt felt sewn shut. Never ever take a fart or a poop for granted. It didn’t matter how much gas x, miralax or stool softeners I took. Nothing was coming out! My doctor didn’t want me to push or strain as I could pop a stitch and land myself in the ER, that was the last thing I wanted. Finally after a few days, success! I was able to pass gas. My husband and I were so happy. He said to me, “You know this is the only time I will be celebrating with you over a fart right?” Lol! I love him, he cracks me up. Just as quickly as I was rejoicing, I found myself depressed. I ended up with a rash, don’t know why and was a little worried it could be an indicator of something wrong internally. My doctor’s office didn’t seem to worry about it so I decided not to worry about it either. May have had a reaction from the stuff they use during surgery. The first couple of weeks being stuck at home, not driving or working and not being able to lift anything made me sad. As I was in the midst of feeling sorry for myself, I realized I have a lot to be thankful for and needed to focus on that instead. 

A few days after my surgery I received a call from my doctor’s office. The final surgery results came back from the biopsies they took after they removed my cervix and uterus. All the precancerous cells were contained in my cervix and uterus had no abnormal cells. This is good as my doctor was initially concerned the abnormal cells could have spread. However, this doesn’t mean I’m totally out of the woods yet. Because I’m dealing with HPV, cancer can occur in other parts of my body. So now, I’m on another road of my journey to be more conscious of what I am feeding into my body, like diet, exercise, etc. 

My two week post-op doctor’s appointment went well. However, she was not happy with the amount of walking I was doing. One day I walked a mile and a half, another day after walking the park it was three miles. She was like WHAT?! She gave a demonstration on what my body is going through when I am up walking for long periods of time. I’m healing on a thread and can’t bare down or be up too long. She said the most walking I can do is ten minutes or a half a mile max per day. If my vagina is hurting that means I’m overdoing it. When I was released from the hospital they emphasized how I needed to be up and walking, I guess they didn’t mean THAT much walking. Oops! 

At last, my six week post op doctor’s appointment. I didn’t quite make it to the six week appointment. I had to see my doctor a few days earlier due to having some discomfort. It felt like I had an infection. At my appointment she took a look and the good news was, no infection. My dissolving stitches were coming out causing the irritation. She got the rest of the stitches out and by the next day I was feeling better. I did mention for the last few days I’ve been feeling pain around my belly button along with pain that comes and goes to the right lower abdomen. She didn’t know why I would have pain there, says not surgery related. However, she recommended I keep an eye on the pain because it could be my appendix. I’m like, oh great, that’s all I would need. Fast forward, now it’s my official six week post op doctors appointment. Still no infection, appendix seems fine, referred me to physical therapy for belly pain. I’m released to go back to work, I can push a grocery cart again, clean the house and start to slowly resume daily activities. I’m so excited to get back to some normalcy. My vagina tried to kill me but it’s not over yet!

If you would like to join me in this journey and help build supportive friendships with women or would like to share your story, please feel free to contact me. I’d love to connect with you.

MANY THANKS!

By the grace of God, support from my husband, family, friends and many others, Be Real With Me was created. THANK YOU for supporting me along this journey. You know who you are. 🙂